I've got a rip-roaring case of the Blahs! Nothing satiates me. Everything gets on my nerves and it seems that no matter what, I'm not happy with where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, what I've accomplished, or where I'm going. This is not a good way to live.
Some of the stuff that's annoying me presently:
Now, I know that we're all busy and stressed out, but for real people, if we're friends, good friends and close friends, I expect to talk to you at least...oh every couple of weeks! Now, this is with the built-in exception for those living in other states and probably other towns too. But, I'd like to know what's going on for you. Not because I'm a busybody, but because I care. Probably too much, but I love my friends and want the best for them!
Specifically, I have several friends who have all but fallen of the face of the earth. Most have good excuses like grad school, being engaged, being overwhelmed in general, etc. However, if you tell me that we'll be in touch and then aren't, that's BAD in my book! And, it makes my heart sad. And then I act angry instead of sad because it's easier. I'll make a few attempts, but then I figure I'm not wanted. (Insert the fear of not being good enough and of not being worth someone's time.) Then I try to write them off. Then I make another attempt or two. (One of my previously closest friends is presently located here.) Then I purge my life of reminders of them. Then, I fear, it's hard to make a comeback. But it's impossible.)
I hate being so far away from those I love. I suck at relationships lately it seems. Something feels off with my roommates, but I don't know what it is. I miss my family something fierce. I wish I had relationships with my father's side of my family, or even just with him. I feel out of place and unwanted in general.
ICK. This should probably just be assumed to be on my list of stuff I don't like at any given time. I seem to either be a target for or only attracted to d-bags. It's nearly a guarantee that if someone's a nice guy, we'll only be friends. He'll never like me and I'll label him "too nice".
And I feel like I'm in Pleasantville or else Barbie land. There's a certain type that is all the rage in P-town; I am most decidedly not that type. I'm essentially the anti-thesis of that type. While that's not all bad, I'm not seeing much good in it other than I don't want to be that type...
Maybe I'm just repulsive. I could deal with that (though it would totally suck) if I just knew what it is. Is it me? The place? The culture of the place? The combo? Maybe it all comes down to attracting the wrong thing, via The Secret philosophy (which I think is a load of crap, for the record.)
Also, how do many girls here get married, divorced, come back to school, and then get married again and I'm not even able to get a decent go on a first round?!
This is only frustrating because I'm trying to find a groove. And, not my normal one because I want to do well this semester!
This makes the list because I'm too overextended and it's an area I'm going to cut back in. I feel that I'm at a time in my life when I have many different things competing for my attention. Many of them are good and a lot of them are great even, but...I can't do everything. I'm not Wonder Woman. And, quite frankly, I don't want to be! I can't have 3 callings. As much as I've looked forward to being a temple worker, I can't do it. I have too much on my plate. It's a wonderful thing, but I can't pull everything off and school needs to be more important at this point in my life. I need to reorganize my priorities, making myself my top priority. I want to ask to be released as ward historian. I've not had time to do anything towards that calling in too long already. I don't want it sitting on my head any longer. I'd like to still remain Gospel Doctrine teacher since it's the Old Testament this year, but if that's not possible, that can go too.
I need to focus on my own family's temple work. I need time to be a patron, to actually do proxy work! And, quite frankly, I didn't want to be in the baptistry. It was never the destination for me or where I wanted to be. So, I'm better able to let that go. I mainly wanted to be a temple worker for two reasons. #1: to learn more about the gospel. #2: to have the opportunity while I'd still have the chance. (read: before I had children. Women are expected to be at the home raising children so if you have a child under the age of 18, you can't be a temple worker at all.) It doesn't feel right. Now doesn't feel like the right time. That's sad because my name will have a bad taste for some at the temple, but I suppose that's just how it is going to be. I'm sad about that though.
And right now? I need to go to bed!