Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Almost Lover, Heights, and Falling

I've been doing too much thinking lately, particularly about relationships. The song in the video posted above speaks things I've been feeling in my heart- at least the chorus does.

I've been evaluating and reviewing my relationships. There are things I'd do differently, but more than that, there are chances I would have taken and experiences I missed because of my own fear. Fear is an interesting beast and nearly always detrimental.

On the topic of fear, I am terrified of heights. Yet, when the Spencer W. Kimball Tower roof was open on Monday I took the elevator to the eleventh floor and then walked up the four flights of stairs so that I could get to the roof. It took me a good five minutes to be able to move away from the wall toward the glass and metal railing. But, I did it. My forehead was moistened with sweat, my hands were shaky and clammy, and my heart was palpitating.

I need to clarify something. I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of falling. I'm afraid of hitting the bottom and disintegrating. If I'm wearing a harness I'm not as frightened. If there is water below me I am fairly comfortable. But, to be somewhere high with not safe place to land? That's horrific.

Indifference is the only thing more frightening to me. Particularly frightening is indifference that follows caring about another deeply. This quote captures the gist rather well: "Indifference is the strongest force in the universe. It makes everything it touches meaningless. Love and hate don't stand a chance against it."
Joan Vinge

Indifference feels like falling without a net to me. It's falling from grace, falling out of another's heart, no longer being cared about, being dismissed from mind. Essentially, indifference is worse than hate. To hate someone, I must first love the one I'm hating. For indifference a connection is completely severed. Some amount of concern, interest, and energy is required to hate another; indifference isn't so demanding.

"Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference."-Libbie Fudim

"There is no disguise that can for long conceal love where it exists or simulate it where it does not."-Francois De La Rochefoucauld

I have a friend...well friend is not the correct word. There is a guy that I've come to know in a more true sense lately. Typically I'm excited when I get to know others truly. In this case I am disappointed by what I've learned. I still don't believe that he's the person he depicts himself as being, but how he behaves and treats others is his choice no matter how hard it is for me to watch. I'm disappointed because I was able to glimpse real beauty in him- in his heart and in his soul. Yet he shuns his beauty. He clings in insincere counterfeits. And he takes pride in things that are eating away his soul's essence.

I've tried to be supportive, but I've reached the point when I need to pull away because I feel like I'm being sucked dry. I tried loving him. I tried being friends with him. I tried being angry. I tried ignoring him when he's stupid and rewarding things of worth. I've been unsuccessful or at least not successful enough. I'm feeling as if this quote is true, "If we are to judge of love by its consequences, it more nearly resembles hatred than friendship."-Francois De La Rochefoucauld

As I mentioned, love failed. Anger and bits of hatred failed. Perhaps indifference is what is most needed for him. I'm no longer keeping his heart in mind. I'm doing my own thing and he is not a consideration. In short, as he once suggested, I'm now going to be indifferent to him.

That's a very interesting decision to make and not one I make lightly. So former friend, good luck. May life treat you kindly. May you get your head out of your butt. May you be blessed with insight and growth. May you gain clarity, strength, courage, and the ability to be sincere and real. But, more than that, may you and your decisions stop afflicting me!

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